The film opens with an IMAX sequence, but I sure as hell didn’t see anything spectacular on the screen. Nothing but garbage CGI and green screen, masquerading as “epic.” IMAX is being used as marketing here, not as a creative choice to craft something visually striking. Instead, we just get a larger, boring, flat image, devoid of any texture, tactility, or depth.

Then we’re introduced to Barbara. How do you know she’s not cool? Because she wears glasses and isn’t all that popular with douchebag guys who pop their collars. Oh, but she’ll become cool by losing the lenses, wearing mascara, getting a haircut, buying new clothes, and ditching her comfy sweaters. Hell of a lesson.

But it’s most egregious and utterly preposterous contrivance? Bringing back Steve Trevor because…Aladdin. I’ll accept lassos of truth and other worlds and fantasy hand waving, but this was just lazy screenwriting shorthand. The entire plot of this film appears to have been written because they wanted to cast Pine once again, not as an organic story choice. And you know Steve’s ultimate fate is sealed the moment it’s revealed how he returned. It’s just a ticking plot device.

I don’t ask for all of my superhero films to be serious and dark and brooding. But this is just saccharin and laughably sincere to the point where I have zero concern for any of the characters. There are no stakes. In the wake of Man of Steel, DC and Warner continue to be so concerned with not killing anyone in their films, that they literally have Diana protecting the heads of security guards as they fall to the ground. Hey, gotta prevent that chronic traumatic encephalopathy! And don’t worry about those military guys, either, they fell in water!

Finally, there is no reason why this needs to be 2.5 hours. It looks unfinished, with truly awful CGI, and not even that runtime can find a moment which evokes the optimism and wonder of the No Man’s Land sequence from the first film. But I hope you learned the film’s valuable lesson: lying is bad. Honesty is good. Wow. It’s just…so profound.

BUT DIRECTED BY PATTY JENKINS AND STARRING A POWERFUL WOMAN! This film’s total failure has absolutely nothing to do with the gender of its director or star. Jenkins has previously crafted great films with female leads, including the first Wonder Woman, so please don’t use that as some lazy excuse to go after those who don’t like this.

One star for Gal Gadot for still owning the role, Pedro Pascal’s Maxwell Lord having the only thing resembling a character arc, and Hans Zimmer’s score.

1/5 stars

I hated just about everything in this movie, with the exception of the gay couple, wonderfully portrayed with sincere love and affection by Marwan Kenzari and Luca Marinelli, and the genuinely terrifying image the film paints of constantly drowning to death and waking up on repeat for 500 years.

On the whole, though, this movie looks cheap as hell, with that Netflix filter in Final Cut applied, leaving behind a visually flat and ugly image, devoid of any colour, depth, or cinematic flare. Gina Prince-Bythewood, and her cinematographers Barry Ackroyd and Tami Reiker, shoot the majority of the film in such tight quarters that any scope the subject matter or anamorphic format invites is completely lost. Moreover, any momentum the film tries to establish grinds to a halt by characters constantly stopping to talk in that bullshit action stereotype way of “I’m too tough to tell you what I’m thinking so you’ll just have to infer everything by my scowl.” Charlize Theron’s Andy is so smug, disengaged, and unlikeable that I just couldn’t side with any of her motivations. But the film’s most egregious offender? The horrible use of pop music throughout with the most comically heavy handed lyrics to describe everything you’re seeing.

This is a film with an interesting idea completely squandered by uninspired directing, cliched writing and characters (including the requisite nerdy bad guy CEO), a totally misjudged soundtrack, and off-brand John Wick action. Yeah, I really didn’t enjoy this.

1/5 stars

This remains a powerful story with subtle and effective direction by Clint Eastwood. Watching it again, years later, Kevin Bacon’s performance is the standout for me. It’s not as showy as Penn’s or as twitchy as Robbins’, but is more subtle and nuanced. Quite frankly, everyone is excellent here, and the film is really a showcase for A-class acting.

My issues remain the same in 2020 as they did in 2003: the Savage brother characters are a strange inclusion (full disclosure, I haven’t read the novel upon which this film is based), and appear only to buttress Jimmy Markum’s “legend” tough guy status in their neighbourhood. They also come across as shortcuts to deliver exposition to Jimmy (and by proxy, us the audience) instead of natural connective tissue between scenes. I was thinking of half a dozen different ways Jimmy could have come by certain knowledge in lieu of these guys.

Finally, Laura Linney’s monologue and heel-turn at the end of the film comes off as inauthentic (maybe it’s her attempt at a Boston accent?). I understand its purpose, but there isn’t enough time spent with her throughout the film to really believe she would behave in this way, and as a consequence comes off tonally incongruous with the rest of the film.

However, these are minor gripes in an otherwise strong film, elevated by standout performances, with a heartbreaking and intriguing mystery at its core.

4/5 stars