Alone in the Dark (2005)
Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
Directed by: Uwe Boll
Cast: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff, Frank C. Turner, Matthew Walker
Runtime: 96 min
Rating: R
Trailer
According to imdb Uwe Boll, the director of Alone in the Dark, has five movies coming out from now through to 2008, and most of them are based on popular video games. It’s safe to say that he won’t be too worried about looking for work, and considering how thin the dramatic possibilities are from the games, Uwe won’t be challenged in devising a coherent movie. With Alone in the Dark being such a horrible experience to sit through, I would gladly tell the “director” he should stick to playing these games instead of filming them.
Alone stars Christian Slater as a heavy squinting paranormal investigator trying to stop creatures from taking over the world. If it seems that I’m skimming over the plot, I’m not, there’s just not much there to begin with. The movie tries to pull off an X-Files conspiracy thriller with Aliens and fails horribly at both. It all goes awry from the beginning, literally. As the introductary text scrolls across the screen, laying the groundwork for the story – about a Native American tribe finding a portal between the dark and light world – an endless stream of exposition spews forth, proving the writers (all three of them!) were either too lazy or simply inept at intelligently telling their story. After the fourth paragraph passes you can’t help but laugh at the total stupidity of the process, including the overly dramatic voiceover most likely used in case the intended audience didn’t know how to read.
After the essay, we are saddled with an extended action sequence introducing our hero. It is here that it is glaringly apparent that Uwe knows nothing of pacing, editing, and character motivation. Because we aren’t properly introduced to Christian Slater’s character, the extened action sequence has no emotional weight or consequence of any significance. If his character had died (I wish), we simply wouldn’t care. And what an amateurish action sequence it is: Bullets rip through the air in a faux-Matrix style bullet-time, shady wire work is overused, and clumsy slow motion all conspire against the merits of Uwe’s directorial abilities and speaks to the larger issue of Hollywood catering to the lowest common denominator.
Sadly though, nothing prepares us for Tara Reid’s “performance” as a wide-eyed scientist who helps translate the ancient writings used by the Native tribe. How do we know she’s a respected and intelligent scientist? Her hair is pulled back in a conservative bun and she wears black-rimmed glasses. Oh, if it were only so easy! Her classic line of, “The hairs on the back of my neck just stood up”, should be on the list of horrible one-liners. The only bright spot is Steven Dorff’s character, Richard Burke, a government agent hell bent on tracking the monsters. Dorff mistakes emotion as a license to scream, kick, and swear in almost every scene he’s in, rendering his performance as unintentionally hilarious. He chews so much scenery that I wouldn’t be surprised if a large portion of the budget was wasted in the set design.
With bad special effects and entry level filmmaking, I can safely say that this should be skipped at all costs. Watching the Atari game version without the benefit of controls would be time better spent. See the light, and stay far away.
Richard X
© Cinephile Magazine, 2006
