Besides a film’s trailer/teaser, nothing can sink a film faster than a horrible sounding title. Just as having a great title will invariably peak the viewers interest, a bad title will have people running away in droves. Sometimes they’re pretentious (Angel Eyes), offensive (I Spit on Your Grave) or just plain retarded (Dumb and Dumberer). In my infinite wisdom I’ve decided to list the worst titles so as to save potential viewers from having to suffer through them alone. So, without further ado, here’s the list of the unmentionables:

10) “Half Past Dead“ (2002, Don Michael Paul)

What the hell does that mean? The title proves the old adage that stringing a nonsensical jumble of words together doesn’t mean you’re smart, or profound - just stupid.

9) “The Shawshank Redemption” (1994, Frank Darabont)

This title is at least an improvement over the original Stephen King novella “Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption”, but not by much. It’s a mouthful to say out loud and will have people scratching their heads wondering what the hell a Shawshank is. Just remember though, the list is only based on bad titles, not the quality of the movie because this one is a classic.

8) “Ararat“ (2002, Atom Egoyan)

At least the director, a Canadian, has a cool sounding name because this title is one the ugliest sounding words I’ve ever uttered out of my mouth. Go ahead, you try it. Crap isn’t it? By the way, Ararat is the Turkish mountain that people believe the Biblical Noah landed his Ark on.

7) “Cinderella Man” (2005, Ron Howard)

Sorry guys, but no matter how muscular or how much of a badass Russell Crowe is, this title sounds WEAK! Honestly, what were they thinking? If you haven’t lived under a rock your entire life the only possible image you can associate with this is Russell Crowe running down a grand staircase, in a fancy gown, hoping the clock doesn’t strike midnight. No thanks.

6) “The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain“ (1995, Chris Monger)

Do I really have to say anything about this one? It’s pretty obvious. The title of this is so long and surprisingly concise that it can also serve as the plot synopsis.

5) “Gigli” (2003, Martin Brest)

Even if the title was good it still wouldn’t have saved this from its infamous box office results. Assuming Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez know how to read (which is difficult to believe considering their script decisions of late), I would bet even they wouldn’t be able to pronounce it.

4) “To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar!“ (1995, Beeban Kidron)

Probably the most infamous title ever made. I know it started to get me thinking about movie titles when I first heard this one. This title is good in one way though: you can have some fun with the meaning of the title just by moving the comma around. Pathetic, I know.

3) “Vanilla Sky” (2001, Cameron Crowe)

Ahh…Vanilla Sky, it holds a special place in my heart. This is one of the most pretentious movies I’ve seen in the last couple of years so it doesn’t really surprise me that the title is overblown as well. What does it mean? Who knows! I can guarantee you Tom Cruise doesn’t know either and Cameron Crowe can go back to pretending he’s so smart and cute and precious and wonderful…It just makes you want to slap him.

2) “Freddy Got Fingered“ (2001, Tom Green)

This one makes the list for two reasons. A) The title itself is pretty horrible and slightly disgusting. B) The movie would have probably been better if it was thrown up all over the screen instead of projected. Also, once you’ve seen the movie (which I don’t recommend) you’ll understand the title a little better - which makes it that much more revolting.

1) “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever“ (2002, Wych Kaosayananda)

The director’s last name of this flaming pile would have been a better title than the one we’re stuck with. Why couldn’t they have kept it short, as “Ballistic”? It wouldn’t have been that bad but unfortunately the producer’s really wanted us to know all about two characters we’ve never heard of before going head-to-head. It’s worse than a pay-per-view boxing match. Who the hell is Ecks and Sever? Are they kitchen utensils, swords, Swedish cars…? It’s sad to think that omitting two words from the title (not including “vs”) would have kept this atrocity off the list.

Well, I hope you enjoyed the list. I was going to add the “10 Best Titles” as well but this took a little longer than usual so I don’t feel like continuing just yet. I’ll add the list tomorrow so you can check back then. For now though, you can re-read this list or do something else…I don’t care.

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